PHASE 2: BROKEN

FIRST of all, I am terribly sorry this post wasn’t up when it should have been; I have been totally swamped up with work, didn’t have the time to even proof read the post or put in final touches. Thankful two people reminded me this week and I promised to I make the time and put it out before the weekend. Please forgive me and read on. where did I stop again? soooo….. this might get a little long but leggo!

So, I have never had my heart broken before, okay apart from one time in high school I had my heart ripped by my best friend who tried to get with the boy I really really liked then but that was young love, I mean compared to this, that was a poke.
By the first week of September, I was done with NYSC camp,

Going to camp had made me feel better because starting the service year this late was one of the things that really weighed me down and put me through emotional tantrums. Now the weight was off, I could see; I started to realize that the love of my life is not by my side, wait! throughout the month of August, we barely even talked, WAIT!!! I was single! it started to hit me especially since September was the last month of my permit to visit the country he was resident in, this was the month I was to come visiting again; that was the only link I had to go over if not I might not see him for the next 10 months!!!
After realizing, now I had to deal with that fact; how could I work it out? Leaving to go see him was really not an option now, service just started, my thoughts were everywhere, scattered, my mind wasn’t doing so well at this point, the breaking point started here but I didn’t even have an idea.

As usual, we patched up and started talking proper again like nothing went wrong before second week of September, we would talk everyday, send morning messages, talk the whole day; *wipes sweat* I had gotten my best friend back whew! I almost lost my guy there. Nothing seemed off to be honest, I would sleep off on calls with him, the long silence became comfortable again, I mean maybe we just needed a little space to realize what we meant for ourselves pffft.
One night, we were talking as usual and I casually brought up the topic of our relationship again…. *long silence with sobbing in between from both ends* But he reminded me of one solid fact, when we met in 2014 and he asked me out, I was to transfer to another University in another country and I kept telling him it wasn’t going to work because in my words “I couldn’t do distant relationship”. My own words had come to hunt me; I understood with him and agreed. In my head, now things were quite stable between us, we would definitely work things when we meet again but I just wanted to keep my best friend at least, being my boyfriend wasn’t even the important part to me but little did I know…. Everything was okay till sometime in October, when I kind of noticed he might be in a relationship, I confronted him and he didn’t deny it but he did say somethings that made me not take it seriously Oh well, I wasn’t mad at all because that was one of the main reasons I called it off in the first place. I also just felt it would never really work with someone else when you truly love or you’re in love with a person; I mean, been there, done that! I thought! hahahahahahah jokes!

Now, i has completely fallen into this broken stage and it’s was one of the hardest if not the hardest times of my life and the knowledge I was gathering was just the beginning bruh! I never imagined being apart from a human being would have affected me the way it did. I felt I was okay till I wasn’t, till I caught myself crying at work, crying on the road, getting lost in thoughts in the taxi and passing my stop various times, I think the worst was in the cinema, watching a comedy movie with my friends, one minute I was laughing, the next, tears everywhere, I lied it was because I laughed so much, hence the tears. SMH

I was miles apart from the one person I wanted to be closest to; Nothing felt sweet I tell you, I woke up in the middle of the night and the first thought that came was where he was? Why were my messages not yet replied to? Why hasn’t he called back? Was he in love with this new person? I was devastated, I would pray and break down in the middle of the prayer thinking of all the odds. Nothing was of interest to me; my work, content creation, writing, dressing up, going out, social media, meeting people, nothing was interesting or colourful to me. The only thing I could do was eat and even then, my taste buds were not working but I still ate fam. I was broken into tiny pieces that I couldn’t put together; I mean I was still in communication with this person but I could feel the hide and seek in his replies, inconsistent excuses, nothing felt right, my mental health was the pits I tell you, I got upset when I didn’t get replies, I would check snaps and probably find him in the club, guys I was really DEPRESSED at this point. The only thing I could do was blame myself, talk to God, ask for complete healing and strength to deal because to be honest, I was loosing it. Although I started therapy much later, then, Only God and my mother could really understand everything I said in tears because even I didn’t understand. arrrrgh!! this is a place I pray I never fall to ever again. I don’t know if writing even explains it the way I want you to understand it. I also did a podcast on this story and you can listen to it here

Currently, this week makes it a year I’ll be on my single train, I am still on my journey to complete healing, no rush! I can feel I’m almost at the end of it; end of the emotional rollercoaster, mental health breakdowns emotional abuse, self blame. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from all this, it’s ‘healing takes time’, don’t rush yourself and find yourself in another relationship because you were hurt; open yourself to take responsibility for what you might have done wrong, nurse yourself and heal from the emotional bruises if you have any so you don’t bleed on the next person, now do better because you know better but DO NOT RUSH YOURSELF. I’ll be sharing positive steps I took to moving on which was my 3rd phase, healing; I truly hope it would be helpful. And I hope you enjoyed reading this piece

Until next time

T.Gold Okorode

Xoxo

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