PHASE 1- THE BREAKING MIND

First of all, I’m so sorry I couldn’t post on friday as I said, I took a little vacation and the internet in that location was not the best. sooo, back to the story.

It mostly started this same time last year, we (my ex-partner and I) had been apart in different countries for barely 3 months, the quarrels had started to reduce, they were less things to talk on apart from the usual gossips we’d go on about. I was mostly scared of the new lifestyle he was getting accustomed to, could he handle it alone there? what if he needs me? Maybe I shouldn’t talk about it so he doesn’t feel I’m trying to attack him as usual (I attacked the lad about everything, even his way of breathing(jk), hahahahaha… sometimes I felt sorry but mans can’t break; don’t blame me please, I wasn’t as emotionally intelligent then)
I had come back home to Nigeria get my service year started and apparently this would be the farthest and longest simultaneously we had been apart; he wanted me to come back few months after I left but I bluntly refused because if you read this post https://sprinkleofgold.com/2019/07/04/one-year-letter/ you’ll see how depressed I already was that everything wasn’t working as planned because the Nigerian system could break you tbh; this is where I should have started a prayer plan. I was getting stressed, I avoided the talk of lifestyle and trust issues so it wouldn’t look like I’m finding an excuse to get angry over the phone and just blow heat in an already hot area.

Soon, the fire in our communication started to die slowly, we would do the usual talking and sleeping off, good morning messages and prayers to top it all, the whole time, my prayer life was reducing drastically because I kept focusing on the storm instead of just looking at and trusting Jesus; I had no guidance, he on the other hand basically mostly trusted me to do the praying so I’m not so sure he prayed that much when the ship started heading left hahahha but all I can say is prayer was what I built the foundation of the relationship on so when I deviated from it, there was sure to be confusion from the camp of the enemy to use it in breaking me and confusing me at a very delicate point of my life when I was entering into a new phase.
My trust started to shake and I would stay up late overthinking issues instead of praying for my mind and asking God for guidance. Sometime within May/June 2019, I asked to take a break from the relationship, what’s funny is I had done this before when we lived in the same city but hahahah I called back after a few hours and asked to come see him so we work it out, he had done same, I gave it a few days and called him up for dinner because I guess I was the matured one hehehehe that was a joke but it was almost impossible not to talk to my (then) best friend. Now we were miles apart, how are we fixing this break? I didn’t think, it’s his turn to do something this time. I asked, he was reluctant but he approved… things still stayed normal, we would still do normal things like send ourselves good morning messages, send prayers but you could tell something was missing, something was wrong and your girl didn’t even notice she was heading for a land mine

During the time of break, both of us found very beautiful friends in which we invested our time on in our ends, for me, he was an old time friend, for him, she was a new friend
We (ex and I) still kept in contact but yhoooo it wasn’t the same, maybe he was the same but I wasn’t; My attention was divided, between starting service, adjusting to Nigeria, distance between us, trusting someone overseas, entertaining the new energy I was receiving from my friend. I wasn’t talking to my partner to express exactly how I felt. Again, if I had just gone on my knees and asked God to take control and give me guidance, I’m so sure He would have handled everything and given me peace of mind to concentrate fully on what mattered at that point hahahah but I felt I could do it on my own. By the end of July, I ended the relationship for what reason? This was five years and because I felt it would be better if I knew he had something with someone else when I was not in the picture than for him to cheat I was ending it? Not my smartest choice but at at that point, I was acting with emotions and not wisdom so boom! I set off the bomb
Not long afterwards, I reached out to him to tell him I was moving on, I told him the person(who was my old friend that he knew), he told me too about two ladies in his life and how they were just friends with him but they really liked him. I expected more; I wanted to tell him it was a joke and we should check where we went wrong but he seemed so unbothered about what I told him. Well, the pride in me took over, I wasn’t about to beg him to get back so move out the way boy.

By August, I was full on in an uncommitted relationship; more like situation-ship with this friend of mine; everything wasn’t adding up but I sailed along and felt I could get over the former relationship with a new one. My ex, on his end heard and I had moved on and I was happy, he decided to move on too and started dating again (one of the ladies he had spoken about to me), I didn’t still care until I started counseling, I dove into several topics with my counsellor and we kept on opening different parts of my mind all over again, turning me back to my foundation, Christ. I had strayed away from home, thankfully, I wasn’t so far. I had to end whatever was happening with my friend and told him to just be around and that I wanted to focus on me; that was my aim, just to focus on GOD, me and my choices. I guess due to my indecision to commit or even compromise for whatever we thought we had, he probably got tired & took a walk, I didn’t even care anymore. My mental health and spiritual life was now a priority, I didn’t want to care about anything else. At first, I wasn’t hurt when I noticed he (ex) was with someone else, I was full on hardcore and wished him happiness, I was going to focus on me and my personal growth spiritually and emotionally and achieve all my goals I had set out but little did I know this was first stage of my journey; I was in denial of the fact that I had acted recklessly and unguided both emotionally and spiritually; I had let my guard down spiritually and the enemy had come to take things I held dear, my peace of mind, my relationship, even my ideas because at that point, I had to take a break from everything I had planned out.

This brings us to the next phase; BROKEN! I have never had my heart broken before…
I’ll continue on Friday, stay subscribed and if you find yourself in a situation like this being confused due to storms in your life, don’t let the enemy get to you because you stopped to breath, as a Christian believer, call on God and he will answer you in a split second. these are some bible verses I like to remind myself of when I face familiar situations just to keep calm
Psalm 86:7, 2 Samuel 22:7, Rom 10:13

till the next post….
T.Gold Okorode
xoxo
P.S: let me know if you could get to this point Cos this was pretty long and please feel free to leave a comment on your thoughts and experiences that are relative… love you and have an awesome week

3 thoughts on “PHASE 1- THE BREAKING MIND

  1. I enjoyed reading the phase1. My advice will be that you should totally surrender all to him. He (God) is readily available to assist you. Looking forward to the phase 2

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    1. heyyy!!! thank you so much Eghosa. Of course, all of me is found in Christ, he is always there to carry us through. definitely bringinging phase 2 this weekend. thanks for reading

      Like

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